it is always a cycle. depression always comes after anger. at least that happens to me. people says money is the root of evil. for me, anger is the root of evil. Satan just works so marvellously and efficiently in me, planting seed of evil and making it grow well. the seed of evil will just embody my soul, making me to lose my own identity and conscience, doing immoral things.
i once said my dad is unreasonable. well, i inherit this personality. i have to admit that i am worse than unreasonable. i feel greatly guilty of writing unpleasant things about him. esp he is my own dad. in my whole life, i only have one dad. he accepts and forgives for who i am, pays for everything i need, educates me...i mean isnt it enough? why am i asking for more? i always tell people to be grateful. why cant i apply this advice to myself? even though he is not a perfect dad, shouldnt i accept for who he is?
i am her daughter. sooner, if i am not a spinster, i would soon have children. what goes around, comes around. i would be so hurt if my children do not want to accept my weaknesses.
i once said, again, noone can understand me. after contemplating, i have to prove myself wrong. and i feel an absolute retard for writing irrationally.
yesterday i did not sleep. i did not want to doze off. my anger was boiling hot in me. at the same time, i was depressed. weird of all, that was my 1st time, i had the thought of committing suicide. Satan just flashed back how my parents treated me, how routine my life was, how lousy my relationship was. all these just appeared in my mind like a movie. i began to cry. i felt sick. that was nauseating. disgusting kind of life. i felt like death was the only solution to end all these nonsense. i could not feel love and care and attention. even my best buds seemed to care less about me.
then i sat alone in the living hall. i was wondering why i could become so numb. why couldnt i feel the presence of God when i needed Him so much. miraculously, i heard a voice. i was not sure it was voice within myself. or just an angel sitting near me. this voice was just soft, motherly and gentle. it was lovely. it made me realise that i myself only can paint the colour of my life. i have choices. depression is an option. happiness is another. immediately i decided to let go, forgive and forget. i smiled again. this sounds unbelievable. but with hatred and anger, will life go on? dont even expect to have a happy life then.
the next morning, i had hard time opening my mouth to talk to my mom. after mustering enough courage in my soul, i began to said few short words. it then became long sentences, then a summary, then an essay. and now great conversation!
at first i intended to drive w.o permission. my heart just said no. again, with full blast of courage i asked her whether i could drive on fri. she agreed and explained why she did not allow me to drive on bio MCQ day. simple! because it was my exam. hello, wat if i had an accident? n yet i tot my dad tried to dominate my car. i felt so so so so retarded. that was simple and yet i could not reason it out. guilt was totally overwhelming. why do i need to feel guilty? why cant i just sort things out clearly before blaming others? i do not blame 'anger'. i am the one who is to be blamed. slap me and call me IDIOT!
when all these happened, i tot my friends would be the helpful one. yes. they were all helpful. thanks for being good listeners! when all these happened, wat i needed was not only listeners. i needed solution more! some of my friends did give me advice, to accept whatever it took. but i personally did not accept any of these. thus, no matter there was a crowd telling me wat to do, no matter how many how long the advices could be, if i shut my heart, closed my eyes and ears, all these advices would just be rejected.
i was so spiritually weak and hungry. so i decided to open my door of my  to God. i hoped what i had laid unto His hand would go away one day. thank God. 
this incident did make me grow. i had some childish thought that friends should be my priority. i am always happier with them. but since that instant i started talking to my mom then my dad, i felt lighter. the bitter resentment and discontentment was like digested and excreted out of me. i felt free. i could not articulate the joy. it was simple and yet worthwhile. everyone matters in my life. but it is my parents that matter the most. they are the person i love the most. they are the person who give me the genuine and unforgettable joy. corny but the truth is out there. life without parents? i do not want to imagine. errr.........
i just wanna pray that to have  God by my side all the time through my ups and downs, which i know He will and He is. help me, Lord to resolve anger and not only to manage my anger. resolve and dissolve those unwanted anger in me, right now! chase them away from my life. for anger is not to be kept. anger = urea!!! yea...secrete, excrete them all. keep my love burning for You, Lord. make me open my heart to You always. Lord, thanks for everything esp giving me the best parents. Amen.
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