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| it is always a cycle. depression always comes after anger. at least that happens to me. people says money is the root of evil. for me, anger is the root of evil. Satan just works so marvellously and efficiently in me, planting seed of evil and making it grow well. the seed of evil will just embody my soul, making me to lose my own identity and conscience, doing immoral things.
i once said my dad is unreasonable. well, i inherit this personality. i have to admit that i am worse than unreasonable. i feel greatly guilty of writing unpleasant things about him. esp he is my own dad. in my whole life, i only have one dad. he accepts and forgives for who i am, pays for everything i need, educates me...i mean isnt it enough? why am i asking for more? i always tell people to be grateful. why cant i apply this advice to myself? even though he is not a perfect dad, shouldnt i accept for who he is?
i am her daughter. sooner, if i am not a spinster, i would soon have children. what goes around, comes around. i would be so hurt if my children do not want to accept my weaknesses.
i once said, again, noone can understand me. after contemplating, i have to prove myself wrong. and i feel an absolute retard for writing irrationally.
yesterday i did not sleep. i did not want to doze off. my anger was boiling hot in me. at the same time, i was depressed. weird of all, that was my 1st time, i had the thought of committing suicide. Satan just flashed back how my parents treated me, how routine my life was, how lousy my relationship was. all these just appeared in my mind like a movie. i began to cry. i felt sick. that was nauseating. disgusting kind of life. i felt like death was the only solution to end all these nonsense. i could not feel love and care and attention. even my best buds seemed to care less about me.
then i sat alone in the living hall. i was wondering why i could become so numb. why couldnt i feel the presence of God when i needed Him so much. miraculously, i heard a voice. i was not sure it was voice within myself. or just an angel sitting near me. this voice was just soft, motherly and gentle. it was lovely. it made me realise that i myself only can paint the colour of my life. i have choices. depression is an option. happiness is another. immediately i decided to let go, forgive and forget. i smiled again. this sounds unbelievable. but with hatred and anger, will life go on? dont even expect to have a happy life then.
the next morning, i had hard time opening my mouth to talk to my mom. after mustering enough courage in my soul, i began to said few short words. it then became long sentences, then a summary, then an essay. and now great conversation!
at first i intended to drive w.o permission. my heart just said no. again, with full blast of courage i asked her whether i could drive on fri. she agreed and explained why she did not allow me to drive on bio MCQ day. simple! because it was my exam. hello, wat if i had an accident? n yet i tot my dad tried to dominate my car. i felt so so so so retarded. that was simple and yet i could not reason it out. guilt was totally overwhelming. why do i need to feel guilty? why cant i just sort things out clearly before blaming others? i do not blame 'anger'. i am the one who is to be blamed. slap me and call me IDIOT!
when all these happened, i tot my friends would be the helpful one. yes. they were all helpful. thanks for being good listeners! when all these happened, wat i needed was not only listeners. i needed solution more! some of my friends did give me advice, to accept whatever it took. but i personally did not accept any of these. thus, no matter there was a crowd telling me wat to do, no matter how many how long the advices could be, if i shut my heart, closed my eyes and ears, all these advices would just be rejected.
i was so spiritually weak and hungry. so i decided to open my door of my  to God. i hoped what i had laid unto His hand would go away one day. thank God. 
this incident did make me grow. i had some childish thought that friends should be my priority. i am always happier with them. but since that instant i started talking to my mom then my dad, i felt lighter. the bitter resentment and discontentment was like digested and excreted out of me. i felt free. i could not articulate the joy. it was simple and yet worthwhile. everyone matters in my life. but it is my parents that matter the most. they are the person i love the most. they are the person who give me the genuine and unforgettable joy. corny but the truth is out there. life without parents? i do not want to imagine. errr.........
i just wanna pray that to have  God by my side all the time through my ups and downs, which i know He will and He is. help me, Lord to resolve anger and not only to manage my anger. resolve and dissolve those unwanted anger in me, right now! chase them away from my life. for anger is not to be kept. anger = urea!!! yea...secrete, excrete them all. keep my love burning for You, Lord. make me open my heart to You always. Lord, thanks for everything esp giving me the best parents. Amen.
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| i am sad. i am depressed.
but i will not be engulfed by misery for my entire life.
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| who am i?
i shiver in low self-esteem walking outside
i am not alone but lonely
i bounce in joy staying up late at home
i am alone and lonely
why?
who am i?
i smile at friends passing by
i laugh naturally when i feel happy
i feel beautiful looking at the mirror
but
i cant do that when THEY are around
why?
who am i?
i am laughing gas in class
i am a funny singer everywhere
but when THEY are around
i am a zombie
i am a bitter pill
why?
my blood pressure is risen
my eyes are rolling in disgust
my mind is annoyed by his long-winded nonsense
my ears are dysfunctioning with cries n scream
my tears just roll down beyond my command
all r because of THEM!
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| kids have imaginary friends because they are lonley.
adults have imagination because they are lonely too.
i day-dream all the time. i love imagining. too much imagination run
wild in my head. it cant stop spinning around, filling all my brain
cells. i just love it. the passion is beyond comprehension. i wont tell
what i imagine. but the clue is they are all PURE. they are all about
life.
my life is empty. hollow. similar to the lumen of the blood vessels. no
excitement. it is just like the heart pumping blood from lungs to
tissues throughtout the body. working in routine and systematically.
just that i am not not as systematic. i am sick and tired looking at my
life. what have i done? what have i learnt? if i were to paint my life
on a piece of paper, it would be black or white or blue....n not the
combination of the 3 colours.
my life is evolved only around books. it makes me feel like a geek! otherwise, i will eat, watch TV and go to bed.
i need something to fill me. make me alive. wake me up! but it all
depends on myself. perhaps i should cut down on my imagination. i am so
frightened one day i will forget to differentiate which one is my
illusion or reality. i dont want to be insane!
imagination kills. be practical, dear!
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| i am born emotional. i cry anytime, anywhere and everywhere. tears just
go beyond control, flow out from my eyes and wet my whole face. i hate
crying seriously. after crying, just look at my eyes today.
i think everyone knew i cried. those swollen eyes just could not run
away. but i just lied. i said i was sick. yes i was sick seriously
mentally! if i told the truth, i was too afraid to show my tears in
front of my friends. wouldnt it be worse when ppl passed by and asked
what had happened? sorry for i lied. lying is just a way to hide my
tears.
i may seem a cheerful girl. i just cannot really agree with that. there
are actually many unforgettable but not worth remembering incidents in
me. i am not satisfied with my own life. i am not really happy. i think
growing just keeps on substracting happiness but multiplying worries.
it sounds sad and pretty corny.
few months ago, my dad bought a mercedes. it is his precious. his
treasure. just like some kids love keeping their toy n the toy
eventually becomes untouchable. yes, that car is such a waste of money.
it is absolutely untouchable. he only uses it occasionally. perhaps
just a decoration at home. well i think that is lame and useless. if he
does not use my car, who cares about that presence of that dumb car?
the main problem is my dad chooses to use my car every day to work. do
i get the chance to drive? NO. i am so desperate to drive anywhere i
wish. i want to drive. i am eager to sit on the driver seat. i am 18
now. i dont want to call my mom, saying "ma, im at bla bla...come by
bla bla.."
yesterday, i was being an idiot. i should not have told my plan to my
parents. i should have just driven the car to college. y do i need
permission when the car is mine. ok, i did not buy it... yea
yea...money is a big thing. money = power. we need to depend on my dad
because of MONEY. he is powerful. a dictator at home. its a shame to
say that. but i just want to be frank!
i just told my mom i was goin to drive on tuesday. so my mom allowed
surprisingly. i was so delighted. then i asked my dad. my dad did not
really say yes. but i expected a 'yes'. happily i went into my room,
jumping with joy..."finally!"
but happy moment does not last long. well, i could say that i had only
2 minutes of joy when my dad discussed with my mom. my dad just yelled
at me, rudely and hurtfully, "ur driving sucks!" he repeated it out loud and
it was 3 times.
wow, he is really a king of offense. that really offenced me. well i
believe i can drive. i mean who cant. it is not hard, ok! even my
instructor said i can. to get my P license, i learned about 20
hours. it was long learning that much. i felt immensely foolish. i felt
like a slow learner. i got scolded by my instructor many times. that
instructor was like my dad, yelled at me "ur driving sucks!" it was
totally depressing. but i broke the record at home. i completed my
lesson the earliest at home. all my sis spent about 25 hours. so my mom
lost trust on me basically. but that time my dad encouraged me to
drive. too bad i had no guts that time because the words "ur driving
sucks" kept ringing in my ears. i lost so much confidence in life. n
so, after getting P licence, they were willing to pay RM25 each lesson
to regain my confidence. he hired another instructor. who wants to earn
RM25, sitting beside a fresh P license holder? that instructor had
great time "accompanying" to drive around earning RM100 altogether. so
my parents broke their promises. i said i was goin to go coll by car
since then. they disallowed again. is there any difference? still i am
not allowed to drive. did i knock on anyone or kill someone? no! y cant
they just trust my ability. r they understimating me? i am their
daughter. 18 years old! they still treat me like a kid. i feel so
RETARDED. yes, there is a difference. i want to drive more than anyone
else wants!
moreover, to flash back, there was a dark history happened when my sis
1st drove the car. she accidentally knocked on ppl's car. my dad was
sitting beside her. and for ur information, my sis just like me, had
her licence at 18 but started driving at 20. that day was her "1st"
time using new car. so it was an accident. in addition, the car was not
totally deformed, not deformed at all. just some breakage and
scratches. immediately, he scolded her all the way from tmn mayang to
cheras. wow, it must be tormenting! when he scolds, hmm... he has
built-in amplifier. he is loud, rude, offensive and long-winded.
so i had seen this incident before. i told myself i will never learn
driving for the rest of my life when i was really young. but i learnt.
it has become a necessity. n i love driving when i need to go anywhere
i wish.
so after he said "ur driving is terrbile" suddenly i started crying.
the rage in my heart just burned all the liquid in my body, vapourised
them into steam. the steam was then condensed into my tears, secreted
from my eyes. i cried from evening until midnight. i was so worried
everything would affect my bio MCQ. basically i am very frustrated
about him commenting about my driving. rmb ive told he uses my car
every day to work. so u can roughly imagine how rare i can touch on the
steering wheel? once a month to the same road at the same time. well,
will that improve my driving skill? no! i felt like throwing my P
license away. i felt regret of learning driving. my driving will always
be so terrible if u dont let me drive, dad! accident will happen and it
is just the matter of sooner or later. if i have one, i wish i could
pay for all the damages to shut ur mouth up! i dont know how to
tell that unreasonable man. he just wont listen! to be precise he doesnt listen!
sharing car with him means it is impossible for me to use it. so
actually that is not sharing. he has got it all. do i need to show him
i can by using his car without his permission. well then i have to
choose fridays. so that noone will see my swollen eyes on saturdays. i
am prepared to be grounded after i reach home anyway. but it is a 50/50
chance. if i can drive safely, well it would be perfect. i still have
50% of chance to drive. anyway i believe it will be 0% still. if i hit
on somebody's car or some barrier, the consequence is one that u wont
want to imagine. no1: scold scold scold with foul language, hurful
words and loudly. then the whole neighbourhood will know about it. no2:
still scold for days until the car is finally repaired no3: he will
blame on my mom. i dont know. i wont tell. but i know he will
definately. no4: my maid is still on her raya hol. so day n night, my
long-winded dad will keep on talking about this loudly. the whole house
will never be peaceful. my mom will be so annoyed by this. n begins to
hate me. whoah...it will be chaotic then just because i drive w/o
permission. it sounds ridiculous. but u dunno my dad. u have not stayed
with him under the same roof. oh yah, no.5: he will whine out loud n
complain out loud taking taxi or driving his own dumb mercedes. in the
end, he will either dominate my car forever or he will be like some
spoiled kid, begging my mom to drive him to work. my mom is the busiest
housewife. time is essential to her. so she will start rushing him. he
gets so mad. so he will become the most fatal volcano.
so to drive or not? my sis drove my mom's car w/o her permission. well
it was not that bad. firstly, it was my mom's car. if i drive w/o his
permission, that are the consequences, regardless i can drive safely or
otherwise.
so i have told a number of ppl about it. all of them said he is caring.
hello, stop making me to puke. that is not caring. overproctective is
the word. he will never comprehend. just let me practise my skill, will
he? if he keeps me at home, refrains me from driving, one day i will
still drive. so isnt it the same or perhaps worse!?! wow, i wish he can
just understand me just for this. not very much. but he thinks he is
always right when the whole wide world thinks he is wrong.
i am still thinking should i drive w/o his permission on fri?
sigh..... that is too frustrating enough to kill my daysssssssssss...
maybe i should forget about a thing called driving. but when i think
about this, i will start crying. because driving is something i love. i
need.
he will never want to listen. so no point communicating. noone is
supporting me. even my mom only said 2 my dad "dunno! u decide" hmmm...
it is really sad. worse of all, yesterday my mom scolded me too. she
said i dont understand her. well i tot she understands me the most. i
tot she knows i was angry about the car issue, because i told her many
times before i only want a car! but she ended up screaming at me, "i am
busy, do u know that? i am tired, do u know that? dont u show those
faces as if we do not want to fetch you?"
immediately i cried so hard. i cried because noone understood me. i
never blamed on her before. i was disappointed when she just said to my
dad "dunno. u decide whether u wanna let her drive!" that's all. but
she tot i cried because of her. urgh...i am speechless n sad. maybe i
am hard to be figured out.
when all these happened, i tried to seek ans from God. i was so
distracted. i could not even think about Him. i was too overwhelmed by
hatred and angry and sadness n disappointment. it was really an
emotionally down month for me. will it end? i just cant find any reason
to forget it. how long do i need to live by their unnecessary restrictions? duration of time: infinity!
i just want to drive. sounds simple? yes it is!
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